Recently, I received a message from a person that I truly love, explaining the reason why they do not have me in their contacts anymore. I totally understand and respect their opinions and want to highlight one thought mentioned in the message.
This person wished that “I could go back to my old version”, the one from 12 years ago (2010).
When I read the wish; I recalled myself asking my coach for help to go back to feeling the same way as before the death of my spouse. I didn't want to be sad, angry or experience any grieving emotions anymore.
I was looking at my widowhood as a problem; something that needed to be fixed, so that people that I love including myself wouldn't feel uncomfortable.
(Little did I know that my sadness had nothing to do with his death, but more with my thinking about the death of my spouse (thoughts create your feelings).
Today, I want to talk about that though “I wish I could go back to my old self”. To me, this thought seemed to be very well intended but I realized (after many coaching sessions) my struggle accepting the new reality of solo parenting and being a widow.
I learned that grief never ends and it doesn’t need to take all my life.
I believe my true self remains the same, and it is ok to open myself up to grieving emotions.
I don't need to put an end to my grief to feel good. I see that a lot of my strength and sense of purpose comes from being a widow.
I also think that the last twelve years have given me so much purpose and direction and denying/ignoring them is missing out on part of my own identity; moving to a new country, becoming a wife, a mom, a widow, a life coach, etc.
How can I go back to my old self? No, my husband was not a piece of furniture that you throw on the street; he was the love of my life and I want to grieve his absence.
I love this version of myself and if that makes other people uncomfortable, they have the right to stop talking to me. They have the right to leave my life. I am ok with that.
I want relationships based on true love; I want to love people as who they are.
I want to be surrounded by people who love me for who I am; a human being that is not perfect.
I want us to speak the truth about our feelings, struggles, wins, successes, and many more things.
I want to show my authenticity and hope all my friends feel comfortable to do the same (I can't control their emotions).
This week, I invite you to check with yourself the changes that you have made in your life (things, people, career).
Are these changes making you feel more of yourself or staying away from your true self?
Who do you want in your life to celebrate/cry over your failures or victories?
And most importantly, are you there to love yourself when people disagree with your changes?
Allow people to come and go from your life, and stop people- pleasing.
Ps: I used the pronoun “they” not to mention the gender.
Ps2: Schedule a free coaching session. Let's talk about the changes you have made in your life after the death of your spouse. I have learned that grief is the best moment to reconnect with your true self. Don't miss out on this opportunity.