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The best lesson of my grief and identity crisis

I had unconsciously learned to define myself through marriage, my life as a couple (my husband and I lived together for about five years) and my job as a teacher.

Therefore, becoming a widow and becoming a mother at almost the same time were events that left me in an identity crisis.

Who was I before this?

I used to describe myself as a married woman. I was focused on professional and personal projects, an excellent teacher, and my husband's right hand.

But when all this abruptly changed, I felt lost and aimless.

Today after three years of my husband’s death, I look at my past to reflect. I firmly believe that life is not only about living experiences, but also it is what you learn from those experiences.

I learned that one should never base our WORTH on things that are changeable.

By this I mean that we tend to think that we are worthy people because we are in a relationship, the number of friends we have, our assets,etc.

However, just as assets can come and go, so can the human beings who accompany us.

Sometimes it happens by their own decision (a divorce, separation) other times unexpectedly (an accident, an illness).

And this means that you will never stop being worthy, even if the people/ assets/ places that were once familiar and close to you, are now gone.

Sometimes it is the opposite, you think that by getting money, assets, being in a relationship, being thinner, having more friends, you will be a worthy person.

It is a lie!

All these external factors are not constant.

So, what can I base my value on?

I have learned that there are other factors. I base my value on “the relationship I have with myself”; my “being”.

Although my emotions change, and sometimes I experience moments of frustration,anger, resentment, etc,. I am 100% worthy for the mere fact of being human. Psychology defines this value as innate value.

Currently, I define myself as a proactive, curious, brave, creative, loving, sensitive, vulnerable, energetic, interesting, kind and mistake-making person. And with these attributes I can accept any role (girlfriend, life coach, teacher, mother) and not tie myself to them.

My value does not change, even if circumstances change, or I make mistakes.

I keep growing; being in motion. My cells keep regenerating and dying. This is a scientific truth, and I can't go against it and I am proactive to make it the way I want it to be.

What do you base your worth on?

Are you unconsciously basing your worth on the things that you have or the things that you lack?

Is your worth tied to the relationship with yourself or others?

If your worth is tied to the relationship with external factors, what would happen to you if these factors are taken away from your life?

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