I noticed that after posting about my widowhood journey on different social media groups, I was feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
Even though I am a life coach, I am a human being and I experience emotions. Being a widow is easy and difficult at the same time. I think it is difficult because I don't like to be in the victim mode. I have a lot of thoughts regarding being a victim. And coaching has taught that to avoid drama you want to stay with the facts. So, the dictionary is a great tool!
What is a victim?
According to the Oxford dictionary a victim is “a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.”
Was I a victim?
Yes, I was a victim. I was harmed as a result of the death of my spouse. I saw him in agony during his last hours, minutes, and seconds of his existence. Accepting this new identity has been harder for me.
At times I find it difficult to share with other moms that I am a widow. Especially, when they start asking about my plans for having more kids. I know it is not about them, it is about me and my relationship with my widowhood.
I was recalling the widows that I have met in my childhood. None of them talk about their journey. It may be the way they were raised. “Life goes on”. Women that may have been suffering in silence.
Society does not want to talk about the sad part and I unconsciously learned that way.
And let’s talk about dating. When my potential dates ask me the reason why I am single; and I share “I am a widow”, the conversation changes or some of the guys unmatch me. I also think it is funny.
I am learning to embrace the victim part in myself. I am accepting that I was a victim. We all humans have been victims at some point of our lives (school, relationships, marriage, strangers, etc).
What is it that I don't like about being a victim?
Sometimes, I don't like that people feel sorry for my situation. I don't like the pauses after I say I am a widow. I don't like to ask strangers for help. I don't like to bring handymen to do repairs at my place. And again, there is nothing to do with them. It is that I don't like to think that my husband is dead.
At the same time, I think of the other part of my life that I am proud of “the heroine”. Based on a definition found on the internet; the heroine is the protagonist of the story. One attribute of the heroine is that she does something heroic, usually something where action is involved.
I think that talking about the journey of a thirty two woman who became a mother and a widow within a month is heroic.I could have settled for a “new normal”. I could have hid in my grief, or maybe ignored it. Instead, I decided to live intentionally and share my experience.
I want people to know that experiencing grief makes us more human, more vulnerable.So, if feeling embarrassed is the price I have to pay to help other widowed moms, I am all in!